


The Truth

by spacegirlstuff



Series: Supernatural Season 15 Codas [2]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Canon Dialogue, Canonical Character Death, Coda, Confessions, During Canon, Episode: s15e18 Despair - Castiel's Confession Scene, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, I fixed it...., M/M, Okay maybe I didnt, Season/Series 15 Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-07
Updated: 2020-11-07
Packaged: 2021-03-08 19:48:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,140
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27432304
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spacegirlstuff/pseuds/spacegirlstuff
Summary: I love you, Dean Winchester.Castiels’ eyes seemed to say,I have loved you for as long as I’ve known you. Everything I ever did, it was all about you, because of you, for you. Everything that I’ve done, you were the reason. You were the only person that mattered all along. Everyone else came along because they were your family. I loved the humans because you showed me how to, I loved your family because you showed me how to, I loved everything because you did too.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Series: Supernatural Season 15 Codas [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2003515
Comments: 8
Kudos: 96





	The Truth

**Author's Note:**

> I stayed up the whole nigh to write this powered up on three cups of coffee so please ignore the mistakes.  
> I also tortured myself by watching the last 15 minutes of the episode on rewind with each paragraph I wrote so I really hope that you guys like it. I swear those last minutes are now burnt into my brain and each time i close my eyes, the only thing I can see is Cas crying and Deans' stoic expression and just.....

The blood sigil glowed against the wooden door just as Castiel heard a sigh from the hunter. He turned around to face the man.

“Did it work?” He asked, blood dripping from his hands.

Dean nodded in answer, taking another deep breath as he leaned back against the shelves. 

“It blocked her grip on you,” He explained, not that Dean cared. The hunter was still too occupied trying to steady his breathing. Cas walked towards him, looking back at the door once more just to be sure. He could still feel the dark aura of Death as she stood across the door. The door vibrated from the impact as she hit it, the sigil glowing gold for a moment before fading away into its blood-red color.

“Dean,” The angel glanced at the hunter briefly, making sure that he could see the door from the corner of his eyes, “She said that wound was killing her. Maybe we can wait her out.”

The hunter straightened, making Castiel look at him as he walked into the dungeon at a slow pace. 

“Yeah,” the hunter stepped into the devils’ trap, “And if we can’t?”

“ _T_ _hen we fight_ ,” Cas replied in an assuring tone, slightly cocking his head to the side. Billie landed another strike, the loud noise echoing through the small room. Castiel ignored it, continuing to stare at Dean.

“We’ll lose.” The hunter circled the chair in the middle of the room, his fingers lightly trailing over the handles. Finally, turning to look at the angel, he said, “I just led us into another trap.” 

Dean shook his head slightly with a pained smile on his face. Looking down at the seat under his hands, he continued, “All because I- I couldn’t hurt Chuck.”

Castiel could identify the waves of emotions crashing against the walls the hunter had started to build. A dozen emotions painted on his face, the one that stood out the most was regret and hopelessness. Cas watched the hunters’ brain suppress everything until all that was left was the bundle of blame that he seemed to drown himself under. 

“Because I was angry and because I just needed something to kill,” The hunter increased his voice a bit, “And _because that’s all I know how to do.”_

“Dean,” Cas said, walking towards the hunter, his fingers gripping the back of it as he hunched over, his shoulders trembling slightly.

“It was Chuck all along.” he looked at the approaching angel. 

The door banged once more, making Castiel look towards it briefly. The angels’ mind was dizzy with thoughts, plans to get Dean out of here alive, to do something to save them, to do anything other than just wait here for the warding to give out.

“We never should’ve left Sam and Jack. We should be there with them now.” Dean ignored the noise, his eyes tracing patterns on the concrete floor.

Castiel could feel his feelings show them on his face. He could feel the panic settle in his bones, slowly rising from his stomach to his throat until he had trouble breathing. He felt the pure desperation surround them, occupying the dark corners of the room.

“Everybody’s gonna die, Cas, _everybody_.” Dean said in a helpless voice, “I can’t stop it.”

Hearing the thump on the door, Dean snapped out of his trance. He looked up at the shaking door, Castiel following his lead just in time for another thud to follow. 

Dean walked around that chair, advancing towards the angel, “She’s gonna get through that door.”

“I know,” Cas whispered, his eyes not meeting the hunters.

“ _And she’s gonna kill you_ ,” Dean stated, “ _And then, she’s gonna kill me._ ”

He glimpsed at the hunters’ face only to look away in seconds. He could not look at Dean when the man looked like he had lost all hope, like he had lost the reason to keep fighting, like he was seconds away from completely breaking down.

“ _I’m sorry_ ,” Dean murmured.

Cas’ eyes landed on one corner of the room, shadows surrounding the edges until they merged to form the pitch-black region. He furrowed his eyebrows, his mind racing to form a proper plan, a plan that could buy them time, a plan that could kill Billie, a plan that could save Dean.

He knew that if it worked, Dean would no longer have to run away from Death, Dean would be alive, Dean would be safe. There were no second thoughts. This was the only way and Cas was not going to mess this up no matter what the consequences were. His main priority had always been making sure that Dean was not harmed, and he was gonna die making sure that it stayed that way. He let out a small smile. 

_It was time to summon The Empty._

“Wait, there is one thing,” The angel said, slightly trailing off as he tried to catch up with his brain, “There’s one thing she’s afraid of.” Looking up at Dean with a flicker of hope, he said, “There’s one thing strong enough to stop her.”

Dean gulped, looking at him with confusion, an expectant look slowly starting to seep into his eyes. His soul burning as bright as it had all those years ago, a guiding light in the depths of hell. His soul glowed in the dark room, still bright, still righteous, still beautiful.

“When Jack was dying, I--” Cas started to explain, his eyes meeting the hunters, “I made a deal to save him.”

An emotion flashed through Deans’ face. He scrunched up his eyebrows, directing a question at the angel, “You what?”

“The price was my life,” Cas continued, now fully turning his body towards the hunter, “When I experienced a moment of true happiness, the Empty would be summoned, and it would take me away for forever.”

The angel watched as the hunter started to realize what he was telling him. His green eyes looked into Cas’ blue ones, asking more than a thousand questions in a single glance.

“Why are you telling me this now?” 

Castiel paused for a moment, gathering his thoughts as he started to carefully word what he was about saying next. Taking a breath, he said, “I always wondered, ever since I took that burden, that curse, I wondered what it could be, _what my true happiness could even look like._ ”

Cas could see Dean shutting off. Everything that had happened was finally starting to overwhelm the hunter, and he was starting to deal with all the overflowing emotions in the only way he had ever known. Cas watched the walls come back into their place, brick by brick, pushing back everything that he was feeling until the only thing that was left was a blank expression. 

Castiel wanted to stop, he wanted to hold the hunter and assure him that everything was going to be fine. He wanted to stop talking; He wanted to stop unloading all the burden he had been carrying on Dean; But most of all, he wanted Dean to stop hiding from him.

But he didn’t have a choice, so he continued.

“I never found an answer,” The angel said, slowly shaking his head, a smile on his face, contrasting the vacant gaze of the hunter.

“ _Because the one thing I want, it’s something I know I can’t have,_ ” he confessed, blinking fast as he tried to hold back the tears forming in his eyes.

Dean cocked his head to the side in question, a crack forming in his walls.

“But I think I know, I think I know now.” Castiel smiled, briefly glancing around the room. He couldn’t believe this was how it was happening, twelve years of everything he’d been through had finally come to this, standing here in the dungeons of his home, staring at a face that had carved itself into his very being for longer than a decade.

“ _Happiness, it isn’t in the having. It’s in just being. It’s in just saying it_.”

His mind went back to the barn where he had first said those three words. Lying above a stack of hays with agony filled through his veins, splitting him apart from the core, eating him up from the inside. Even in those moments, he remembered the joy that he felt when he said those eight letters. He had treasured the calmness and the content that he felt in those moments, holding them close to his heart, remembering them whenever he felt lost and needed a guiding light. The warmth that he had felt that night was his heaven, and he would do absolutely anything to protect it.

“What are you talking about, man?” Dean asked, breathless, another crack appearing on the walls.

Castiel took a step forward, standing right in front of the hunter, his eyes staring into the hunters’ soul. 

“ _I_ _know_.” The angel said, “I know how you see yourself, Dean.” 

Dean looked at the angel, slightly taken back by the statement. His eyes scanned the angels’ face, searching for any hint about what was about to come. Dean Winchester was getting anxious, and it was written all over his face.

“You see yourself the same way our enemies see you.” Castiel continued, watching the hunter swallow once again, “You’re destructive and you’re angry and you’re broken. You’re- You’re ‘Daddy’s Blunt Instrument.’ And you think that hate and anger that’s-” Castiel paused a bit, choosing the words, “-that’s what drives you. That’s who you are. _It’s not._ ”

Ever since Castiel had raised Dean from hell, he had seen the man change over a hundred times, but there was one thing that always remained constant, his thoughts about himself. No matter how far they had come from where they started, Dean Winchester always looked at himself and saw the same boy who had disappointed his father over a million times, disappointed his friends over a million times, disappointed his family over a million times. Dean Winchester always looked at himself and saw the man who was unable to do his job properly, unable to protect the people that mattered, the people he loved, the people he cared for. Dean Winchester always looked at himself and saw the man who was unable to protect his family. 

Castiel wanted to laugh because it had never been this far away from the truth. When Castiel looked at Dean, he saw _the man who felt, the man who cared, the man who loved_. When Castiel looked at Dean, he saw a man who would do anything in the world if it meant that his family stayed together, his family stayed safe, his family stayed alive. When Castiel looked at Dean, he saw a man who had sacrificed himself for the people he loved again and again without a single complaint. Castiel looked at Dean and saw the man who would do everything for love, and he wanted Dean to see himself that way too. 

“And everyone who knows you sees it. Everything you have ever done, _the good and the bad you have done for love._ ” 

Deans examined his face, the chaos happening inside his brain started to reflect in his eyes. Castiel could feel the walls weaken, a few more cracks appearing.

“You raised your little brother for love. You fought for this whole world, _for love_. That is who you are.” Castiels’ vision blurred, tears threatening to fall now. He didn’t pay them any attention. 

Dean looked away, his eyes looking at the ground, unable to watch the angel break down in front of him. He wanted the angel to stop, he wanted the angel to say that it was not what he was thinking it was, he wanted the angel to assure him that this was not going to end in the way he was thinking. But he couldn’t move, he could hardly breathe, he could barely listen to the distant creaking of the hinges of the door as they withstood the banging. Dean Winchester was unable to do anything except bring his eyes back to the angels’ face, staring with a blank expression that contrasted the riot going on inside his brain.

“You’re the most caring man on Earth. You are the most selfless,” Castiel stopped, making sure to pick all the right words, “Loving human being I will ever know.” 

Cas saw Deans’ expression change, ready to contradict him, ready to tell him that it was not true. His eyes expressed their disagreement even when he verbally couldn’t and Cas was once again captivated by the hunters’ face. People had often told him how hard it was to read Dean, but Castiel had always had a conflicting opinion. For him, reading Dean was the easiest thing. Figuring Dean out, understanding his actions, his reasons, it was as easy as breathing.

“You know,” Castiel continued, his eyes on Dean as he took an uneven breath, gulping back down again, “Ever since we met, ever since I pulled you out of Hell, _knowing you has changed me_.”

Castiel could still feel the warmth of Deans’ hand as it clasped his shoulder almost a whole lifetime ago. Underneath the streetlight, standing by the side of the road, he could still see the golden glow reflecting off Deans’ freckled skin. Castiel could still remember the look in the hunters’ eyes as he smiled at Cas and said, _Don’t ever change._

That was probably the first time Castiel had felt the flicker of hope light inside of him. Hope that everything would be fine, that everything would get better, that he would get better. Standing there under the streetlights, Castiel looked into Dean’s eyes and saw _love_ for the first time. 

_Love for him._

That night, Dean showed Castiel that he cared for him. That night, Dean gave Castiel something to fight for, something to live for, something to care for. That night, Castiel had been overwhelmed with all the emotions he was feeling. That night, Dean had changed him.

“ _Because you cared, I cared_.” Deans’ walls broke down a little bit more, “I cared about you. I cared about Sam. I cared about Jack. I cared about the whole world because of you.”

Not knowing how to respond, Dean kept staring at the angel, watching the stray tear that escaped his blue eyes. He could feel a voice screaming at him to do something, shouting at him to respond in some way, cursing him for standing like a statue while his best friend was stripping himself of all his defenses and baring his soul out for Dean.

Castiel let out a soft laugh, “ _Y_ _ou changed me, Dean_.”

His eyes fixed on the crying man, Dean finally said, voice devoid of all emotions “Why does this sound like a goodbye?”

“ _Because it is_.” the angel said in a soft but unwavering voice. 

Dean slightly tilted his head to a side, realization crashing upon him, finally comprehending everything that the angel had said. Dean knew what his next words were gonna be, and he was about to interrupt Castiel, stop him from summoning the empty, save him from his end. 

But Castiel had already accepted his fate, his destiny. He knew what needed to be done, and he was determined to do it right this time. He knew what needed to happen now. He knew what he had to say now. He was ready to die, he was ready to sacrifice himself, he was ready to allow himself to find happiness.

“ _I love you_.” The angel said at last. 

_I love you, Dean Winchester._ Castiels’ eyes seemed to say, _I have loved you for as long as I’ve known you. Everything I ever did, it was all about you, because of you, for you. Everything that I’ve done, you were the reason. You were the only person that mattered all along. Everyone else came along because they were your family. I loved the humans because you showed me how to, I loved your family because you showed me how to, I loved everything because you did too._

Dean looked at him with eyes that said so little but still expressed so much. The hunter stared at the angel, his walls almost breaking but still somehow holding on. He could feel his emotions coming out of the cracks, trickling through his barrier, trying to reach his eyes. 

He didn’t know what to do. 

The Dean Winchester that he had buried deep in his mind ages ago scratched the walls of his coffin, crying to be let out, pleading to be freed. But he couldn’t. He didn’t know how to. He had kept everything shoved to the back of his mind that he had no idea what to do. 

He knew he was supposed to reply, tell the angel that he loved him back, hold him close one more time, promise him that they will find a way to save him. He knew he was supposed to do a lot of stuff, but _he couldn’t_. 

All he could do was say, “ _Don’t do this, Cas_.” His voice breaking at the end of the sentence. 

Castiel just smiled back at him, his eyes filled with tears but his face full of joy. 

The noise of moving liquid made Dean look behind him. He could feel his lips tremble and a tear escaped his eye as he turned to face the angel, hastily.

 _No, no, no, no, no…._ Deans’ mind chanted, _This could not be happening._ _He just needed a bit more time, hardly a minute more for his walls to crumble down completely. After that, he could do something. When his walls collapsed, he could react to Cas’ speech, to his confession. When his walls came down, he could tell Cas that he loved him back too. He just needed a few more seconds to comprehend._

The loud noise of the dungeon door finally giving in snapped Dean out. Billie stood there with her scythe in her hand, looking ready to kill.

“Cas.” Dean said alarmed, looking at the angel who had already given him everything. Castiel placed a hand on his shoulder, not a single trace of hesitation or fear in his eyes.

“ _Goodbye, Dean_.” he said.

“What-” Dean started to say before he was shoved aside. Crashing into the wall, he hardly registered the pain he felt as his head slammed against the wall. Pushing himself into a sitting position, his eyes locked with the angels’ one last time. 

Dean stared at his best friend, watching him take his last breath, looking into his blue eyes one last time, observing the calmness and joy on his face as the empty took him.

 _Hours later, the only thing Dean Winchester could feel as he sat there frozen on the floor in the middle of an empty room was despair._

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> So.... that's that. I am planning to write two more Codas' for this episode to hang in there because I am sending more heartbreak towards you lot.  
> Now, if you need me, I will be in my room under my blankets, crying myself to d-word.  
> Please come to my [tumblr](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/spacegirlstuff) and drop me a message and just scream with me because I need to let out these feelings!!!  
> Until next time!!!  
> Ugly sobbing
> 
> Edit: The continuation of this fic is [The One Who was Left Behind](https://archiveofourown.org/works/27450283). So make sure to check it out too!!!


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